im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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