I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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