Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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