i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
