All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
