apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
