I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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