when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
