he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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