god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
