I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
