Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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