We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
