Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
