you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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