if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
