She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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