dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
