false alarm. still invincible.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
