Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.