She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
