I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
