i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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