remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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