Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
