your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
