Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
