You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
