I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
