If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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