Already got asked if we're dating
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
