I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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