you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
