i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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