I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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