I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
