tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
