Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
