Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
