She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
