So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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