I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I would ride that face into the sunset
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
