He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
