It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
