last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
