I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
