Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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