Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
