I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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