Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
