Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
