rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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