it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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