Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
