I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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