There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
