my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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