so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
