I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
