My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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