My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
