I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
