I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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